


All Over Again

by roryonice



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Sad with a Happy Ending, it's at christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 11:50:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13434117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roryonice/pseuds/roryonice
Summary: It’s almost Christmas, and Phil goes back to his hometown to win back his high school love after five and a half years.





	All Over Again

**Author's Note:**

> yes, i named my fic after a big time rush song. also i didn’t mean for this to get so dark but i was listening to Sam Smith’s new album while writing this and his songs always make me emotional

Phil had a lump in his throat as he stared at the mahogany front door of a house that was all too familiar to him. His eyes were watering, both from the harsh December wind and the painful memory of the event that unfolded at this location five and a half years ago.

His heart was thudding against his chest like a kick drum. He closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair as he let out a sigh of warm breath, opening his eyes to see the steam rising as the warm, moist air from his lungs connected with the cold, dry air of southern England in the winter. Phil shuddered as another gust of wind blew into him, his thin leather jacket not doing a very good job of keeping him warm.

For some reason Phil had thought it would be a good idea to try to win back the heart of his high school sweetheart, Dan Howell, even though it was two days before Christmas. Phil should have been at home with his family in Manchester right now, but instead he was in Wokingham at the front door of Dan’s family house. He hadn’t seen Dan since they had broken up five and a half years ago at this very location, so showing up unannounced to his family’s Christmas celebration probably wasn’t the best idea in hindsight, but here he was.

Phil had been standing at the door for at least ten minutes and he was chilled to the bone by the sub-zero temperatures of Wokingham on Christmas Eve eve, so he raised his hand and knocked on the door before he could chicken out for the millionth time in the past ten minutes. He shoved his hands into his pockets and took in a sharp breath and held it until the door swung open with a faint creak.

Dan’s mum was the one to open the door, and she looked as cheerful as she had last time Phil had seen her. Dan’s mum was a tall woman with rosy cheeks and dimples when she smiled that were identical to her son’s. She gasped and smiled an open-mouthed smile when she recognised the person standing in her doorway. “Philip Lester!” she marvelled, throwing her arms around Phil’s shoulders.

Phil chuckled and reciprocated the hug. “Hello, Mrs. Howell,” he said as she pulled away. “You’re looking radiant as ever.”

Dan’s mum scoffed sheepishly and waved her hand, her smile growing even more. Dan’s mum had always liked Phil, even when he was dating her son, despite her homophobic tendencies. He hoped she had gotten over those tendencies by now for Dan’s sake. Phil had been the one to comfort a crying Dan many, many nights when his mother or father had said a particularly hurtful comment about his sexuality.

“Is Dan here?” Phil asked, getting straight to the point. He hadn’t stood outside in the freezing wind for ten minutes to chit-chat with Dan’s mum.

Dan’s mum nodded and replied, “Yes, he is.” She motioned for Phil to follow her inside, and he did, closing the door behind him and taking his shoes off just inside the door. He remembered how meticulous Dan’s parents were about keeping their house tidy. “Just have a seat in here and I’ll go fetch him for you,” she said before walking down the hall and out of sight, leaving Phil in the sitting room.

Phil perched on the edge of the leather recliner next to the big bay window that looked out onto the street, and his leg began bouncing of its own accord almost as soon as he sat down. As he waited for Dan, Phil looked around at the familiar décor of the sitting room. The entire house had a very specific aesthetic and colour scheme, contrary to Phil’s own family house, which was a hodge-podge of styles and colours. The walls were a pale peach, all of the furniture was either black or white, and the knickknacks and pictures on the walls were either gold or black and white as well. Phil had spent a lot of time in this house when he was a teenager, and he could probably remember where everything was if he needed to even better than he would in the house that he grew up in.

Phil heard voices in the hallway and his head whipped around when he sensed a figure in the threshold of the sitting room. There he saw Dan, who looked both panic-stricken and angry at the same time. “Phil? What are you doing here?”

Phil stood up from his chair and pushed up the sleeves of his jacket simply for something to do with his hands. His heart was racing faster than the lead car in the latest Formula One race and all he could manage to squeak out was, “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” Dan repeated. The look on Dan’s face had transformed into one almost fully composed of rage, and he was shaking like a pot of water that was about to boil over. Phil gulped and began to rethink his plan of coming to apologise, but it was too late to turn back now.

Phil opened his mouth to say something, but he realised that he had no idea what to say. He had showed up to Dan’s house intending to apologise to Dan for what had happened the last time they had seen each other, but he hadn’t actually planned out what to say. “I’m sorry,” Phil said dumbly. He supposed that that was a start, enough to get the conversation flowing at least.

“I’m sorry?” Dan said softly. “I’m sorry?” The second time Dan’s words were spoken louder and accompanied with a chuckle. “After five and a half years of nothing, your only words for me are ‘I’m sorry’?”

Dan crossed the room and punched Phil in the shoulder with all the force he could muster. Phil tried to swallow, but his throat had closed up. “You show up to my house at Christmas time with absolutely no warning at all, after you shattered my heart into a million pieces with no explanation at all, ignored all of my calls and texts and emails, and moved across the country without even telling me, and all you have to say to me is that you’re sorry?” At this point Dan is screaming at Phil and punctuating his words with blow after blow to Phil’s arms and torso, and Phil is simply standing in front of him and taking all of it, because he deserves it. Tears are silently flowing down Phil’s face, and he hates for Dan to see him cry, but Phil can’t control his emotions.

“Just as I’m finally moving on, just as I’m finally getting over you, you come back to me and break my heart all over again! Why are you doing this to me, Phil? What did I do to deserve this?” Dan was still screaming and punching Phil with all that he had, but now sobs were racking his body and tears of anger and sadness and frustration were leaking from his eyes, which were squeezed shut. “I want to hate you, I wish I could hate you, Phil Lester, but no matter how hard I try I can’t! Please, just have mercy on me and leave!”

Despite his words Dan slumped forward into Phil and wrapped his arms around his shoulders and sobbed into the crook of his neck. Phil was confused about whether or not he should embrace Dan, but he did it anyways. He wrapped an arm around Dan’s waist and stroked his hair with the other while whispering the words, “I’m sorry,” into his ear because he didn’t know what else to say.

Phil didn’t know how long he and Dan stayed like that, crying and leaning into one another, but eventually Dan pulled away and looked at Phil with red eyes. “You’d better sit down on this couch and give me at least a ten-thousand word explanation on just who you think you are, Phil Lester, and who gave you the right to treat me the way that you have,” he demanded, his voice hoarse from crying.

At that moment Dan’s mum decided to enter the sitting room. “Is everything all right in here, boys?” she asked.

“Yes, mum, we’re fine,” Dan, who had his back turned to his mother, replied. Dan’s mum looked unsure, and she glanced at Phil before turning around and retreating back down the hallway, deciding to leave Dan’s and Phil’s situation alone for the time being.

Phil sat down on the sofa and Dan sat next to him, staring expectantly into the blue-green eyes of his former boyfriend. “Where do you want me to start: today or the last time we saw each other?”

Dan pondered Phil’s question for a moment before answering, “Start with why you broke up with me five years ago.”

Phil took a deep breath. “You remember that we almost always hung out at your house when we wanted to be alone, right? Well, I always insisted that we stayed away from my house when my parents were home because my dad always threatened that if I ever brought home a boyfriend that the world wouldn’t see me again afterwards. Those were the exact words that he used, and he used them often since as long as I can remember. I grew up knowing that I wasn’t supposed to date a boy, but it was never something that I worried about until I was a teenager. I didn’t really understand what his words meant until I was fourteen and I kept staring at our waiter one night when we went out for a family dinner. When we got home that night, my dad made my mom and my brother stay upstairs while he whipped my bare back with his leather belt until he got bored of it. He told me that if I continued to stare at boys like I was at dinner then I would face a much, much more painful punishment in hell. He threatened to do the same to my mom and my brother if they ever told anyone what he did to me, so they didn’t say anything.”

Dan’s eyes were wide and he whispered, “You told me those scars were from getting into a fight with your cousins as a kid.”

Phil shrugged and continued, “You can see why I didn’t want to bring you to my house once we started dating. My excuse to see you as often as I did was that I was in a study group at school and we would go out for ‘fun nights’ every week. To make sure that my dad believed me, I had to keep my grades up so that’s why I was always doing my homework when I came over,” Phil chuckled, remembering how Dan used to tease him about being so religious with his homework. “It worked for a while, too, as you know now, since we dated for two and a half years. It stopped working, however, on a Saturday night when you sent me a goodnight text and I left my phone on the kitchen table while I was in the bathroom. My dad saw my phone and demanded to know who you were. I tried to convince him that you were my girlfriend, but he made me show him all of our texts, so my punishment was only worsened by lying to him. I’m not going to go into detail about what all happened after that, partially because I don’t remember all of what happened and partially because I don’t want you to have to think about it, but when I wasn’t at school the week before I broke up with you I was in hospital. So I broke up with you because I was scared that my dad would hurt you too, but I didn’t want to scare you, so I didn’t tell you why I was breaking up with you. I know that I should have told you, but I didn’t, and I wish that I could go back in time and fix it.”

Dan stared at Phil for several moments before speaking. “Is your dad still at home? Is that why you’re here on Christmas instead of with your family?” he asked.

Phil shook his head. “No, my dad is in prison. My brother ended up telling the police about what he did to me while I was in hospital. I’m here right now because I didn’t know where to find you normally, but I figured that you’d be with your parents for Christmas, and I remembered where your parents live. I wanted to find you to apologise because I haven’t been able to get over you after over five years and I can’t stand the fact that you still don’t even know why I broke up with you,” Phil finished.

“Can I give you a hug, Phil?” Dan asked.

Phil laughed. “I’ll always accept a hug from you, Dan.”

Dan lunged forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Phil’s shoulders for the second time that day, rocking them back and forth gently. Phil rubbed up and down Dan’s back softly, taking in the warm scent of Dan and savouring the moment. “I’m so sorry, Phil,” Dan said, now the one to apologise. “I always used to complain to you about my parents’ occasional careless homophobic comments and you would just hug me and comfort me and let me cry about it even though those brief comments were nothing compared to what you endured. God, I’m so weak,” Dan whispered. Phil felt a wet drop fall into the crook of his neck.

“Hey, Dan, don’t cry. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I never once thought you were weak. You didn’t know what was happening with me, and I was happy to be there for you,” Phil assured Dan. He flashed back to sitting on Dan’s bed while would rave on about his plans to move far away from his parents once he graduated high school, and he’d ask Phil if he would go with and Phil always said yes because he couldn’t wait to get away either.

Dan sniffled and pulled away. “I know, but still,” he said. He was about to say something more, but Dan’s mum came back into the sitting room.

“Are you staying for dinner, Phil? We’d love to have you,” she invited. Phil looked to Dan, who gave him pleading eyes that Phil couldn’t possibly say no to. He told his mum that he would be home on the 24th, so staying for dinner really wouldn’t be much of a problem.

“I’d love to stay for dinner, Mrs. Howell! Thank you for inviting me,” Dan replied with a smile.

“Oh, it’s my pleasure, dear!” she said. “Dinner should be ready in a few minutes.” She smiled at Phil sweetly and went back to the kitchen, presumably to set the table.

Dan huffed, “I swear my mum loves you more than she loves me.” Phil laughed, and Dan laughed along with him. “I don’t blame her, though.”

The two sat next to each other until dinner was ready, just enjoying each other’s company that they hadn’t felt in so long. Phil didn’t plan on waiting so long to contact Dan again, but after high school ended he became busy with his mom and brother moving up north, starting University, and court sessions for his father, and it never seemed to be the right time until now. Phil had graduated Uni last year and had a steady job and an apartment in London, and finally everything in his life was secure except for his love life, but now that seemed to be looking up.

Dan’s mum poked her head into the sitting room to announce that dinner was ready, so Dan and Phil stood up from the couch and began the short walk down the hallway and into the kitchen. Dan stopped in the hallway and asked Phil, “Can you tell that I’ve been crying?

Phil tilted his head slightly and examined Dan’s face for any signs of tears. There were faint tear trails down his cheeks and his eyes were pink, so Phil reached out and gently ran his thumbs over the tear marks on Dan’s face to make them less obvious. “Now you’re good,” Phil confirmed. Dan nodded and continued down the hallway with Phil behind him.

As they neared the kitchen, the smell of spaghetti and garlic bread wafted into Phil’s nose and he swore that he nearly had an orgasm on the spot. Dan’s mum, dad, and brother were already sitting at the table, and when Phil and Dan sat down next to each other, Phil flashed back to all the nights that he had eaten dinner with Dan’s family because he couldn’t handle his own family’s tense and jumpy atmosphere. The Howells’ house had been Phil’s safe haven for the last couple years of Phil’s teenage life even though they didn’t know it.

Dinner was pleasant and light-hearted, and Phil appreciated that more than anyone else at the table knew. While Phil’s father was no longer at home, Phil could always feel the heavy and dark presence of the memories that lingered in the minds of his mum and brother. At Dan’s house, however, that presence was non-existent, and it was refreshing for Phil to not be constantly reminded of the worse parts of his teenage years.

After dinner Phil played board games with Dan and his family late into the evening before retreating to Dan’s bedroom to go to sleep. Phil could have stayed in the guest bedroom, but Dan begged him not to, and Phil was more than okay with spending the night in Dan’s bed.

Phil hadn’t planned on spending the night at Dan’s and he had had his own clothes at his mum’s house, so he didn’t bring any pyjamas. Dan graciously loaned him some, though, and the overwhelming scent that could only be described as ‘Dan’ served to relax him even further as he went into the bathroom to put them on.

When he came back into Dan’s bedroom, Dan was already in his bed and waiting for Phil to come back so he could turn the light on his bedside table off. Phil could see how tired Dan was from the dark circles beginning to show up under his eyes and the way his eyelids lingered closed every time he blinked. Wanting to let Dan get to sleep as soon as he could, Phil simply slipped under the covers next to him and said nothing as he turned onto his side.

“Goodnight, Phil,” Dan whispered as he turned out the light and flipped onto his side to face Phil.

“Goodnight, Dan,” Phil whispered back. He watched Dan close his eyes and gazed at his peaceful expression for several moments before doing the same.

That night Phil had slept better than he had in years, and it was all thanks to the warm body of the person he had loved for over seven years sleeping next to him after five years of cold sheets. His feelings for Dan had never left, but they had faded over the years. Now, though, Phil had fallen in love all over again, maybe even more so than before.


End file.
